


It's Hard To Say Goodbye

by HeyK47



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst That I Don't Apologize For, Angst and Tragedy, F/M, Heavy Angst, Minor Violence, PTSD, Reader Dies (or does she?), Some Swearing, slightly suggestive content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-09 05:47:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20989835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeyK47/pseuds/HeyK47
Summary: Bucky grieves for the loss of Y/N, the woman he loved beyond all others. While going through his grief, he recalls memories of the times they had together; the times that made him fall for her.





	It's Hard To Say Goodbye

Bucky x Reader

Word Count: 6340

Warnings: Some Swearing, A whole bunch of angst that I don’t apologize for, some suggestive content, violence, ptsd, reader dies (or does she?)

———

“If you’re seeing this then that means…well, that means I didn’t make it. I’m dead.” The woman on the screen looked away from the camera and shifted, bringing her arms to wrap around herself tightly as she appeared to fight off tears. She turned her face back to the camera and the raw emotion in her eyes was felt by everyone in the room. “And I’m…fuck.” She sniffled and a hand shot across her face to wipe away the tears that spilt down her cheeks. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

Bucky couldn’t watch anymore. His chest felt unbearably tight and every breath burned his lungs and threatened to send him screaming into madness. Her blood-her life-was on his hands; or, at least, that’s how he felt.

“Buck…” Steve’s voice called weakly after him as Bucky shoved his chair back and fled the conference room.

Bucky couldn’t do it; not again. He couldn’t bring himself to watch the last recording of the girl who’d been there for him since her first day. The girl who had never been afraid of him, even when he nearly killed her in a PTSD moment. The only person, other than Steve, who hadn’t judged him on his past, but only on his character now. He couldn’t watch as the digital copy of her face ran through so many of his favorite expressions that he would never again witness in person. He couldn’t watch her smile, tired and resigned to her fate, as she spoke directly to him. He hadn’t even been able to make it to his part of her farewell video. He knew if he watched it, if her listened to her say things meant only for him, he would lose the weak shred of hope he was clinging to and she would really be gone forever. If he listened to her say goodbye-if he accepted it-then her body really would be buried in the debris. She would really be trapped under hundreds of thousands of pounds of twisted metal and concrete and not unconscious in a hospital somewhere. If he listened to her goodbye, then the effort being exerted at the site really would be a recovery mission and not a rescue mission.

Bucky found himself in the gym again, his lungs screaming every time he drew a breath. He smashed his fist into the punching bag repeatedly, willing his brain to think of something; anything other than the image of her bloody, worn face. Anything other than the anguish glittering behind her eyes as she spoke into a camera…as she died slowly and alone. His thoughts drifted, thankfully, onto the first time he’d met her and away from the thought of the video waiting for him in the other room.

\- -

“Everyone, this is Agent L/N. Agent L/N, this is everyone.” Tony introduced a young woman to the team.

Bucky looked up from his crossword book for the sole purpose of matching a face to the name they’d been hearing for months. Apparently, Agent L/N was joining the team. She, like Natasha, had been one of twenty-eight girls in the Red Room. Nat had immediately vouched for her when her name first surfaced in the Intel community, all those months ago. From the information they had uncovered, it appeared that Agent L/N had been working towards the same goals as The Avengers, and had made significant progress, despite having markedly less resources.

“Y/N is fine.” She replied, giving the team a small wave and what was meant as a friendly smile.

Bucky’s eyes scanned the woman standing before the team and he noted the tension held in her muscles and the rigidity in her stance. Though a smile crossed her face, Bucky’s training easily marked it as a false one. She was on guard and looked ready to disappear at any second.

“Hey, L/N.” Bucky spoke up, pulling her gaze to his face. “Relax. No one here is going to kill you.” He shot her an amused smirk before turning back to his crossword puzzle. “Not today, anyway. It’s our day off.” He joked.

There was a moment of silent tension in the air after Bucky spoke and then the silence was broken by a real laugh. Bucky looked away from his puzzles again as Agent L/N took a seat in one of the armchairs in the common area. The tension from before disappeared and she fell naturally into conversation with the others, visibly relaxed and comfortable now that the ice had been broken by Bucky’s dumb joke. She glanced up at him and smiled gently when they made eye contact before turning her attention back to the conversation with Nat and Steve.

_Shit._ Bucky thought.

That was a smile he could get used to.

\- -

Bucky was pulled back into the present with the feeling of his right hand hitting the punching bag and his left missing it, followed by a loud thud as the bag flew into the wall behind it. A noise of annoyance let his mouth as he moved to get a new bag so he could continue working out and hopefully be able to pull his thoughts away from the tragedy waiting to swallow him up. He wasn’t supposed to feel this way. Not about her. He had fought so hard to keep her contained in a platonic role, but it had all been useless in the end. He hadn’t been able to fight it any longer and now she was gone. She was gone and he was in so much pain.

Bucky obliterated a second punching bag and abandoned the gym with an irritated growl. It wasn’t working anymore. The walls felt like they were getting closer and closer and he couldn’t stand it. Grief pricked in the bridge of his nose and he pinched it away in annoyance; refusing to cry yet. As he passed the weight bench, another memory flashed into his mind, mercifully belaying the anguish that was just on the edge of his heart for a moment more.

\- -

It was several weeks after her arrival, at three in the morning, when Bucky was first alone with Y/N. He’d been trying to sleep for hours with no success and had decided to go work out to hopefully exhaust himself and send him to dreamland. No sooner had he stepped off the elevator, than he heard soft grunts coming from the gym. Bucky peeked in through the window and saw Y/N halfway up the thick climbing rope. Hand over hand, she pulled herself up the rope, soft grunts falling from her lips as she did so. Bucky quietly entered the gym and moved over to the weight rack.

“Bucky?” Y/N’s questioning voice drifted down from the top of the rope.

“Yep. Don’t mind me.” Bucky answered with a nod as he sat at the weight bench and began to do some bicep curls with one of the heavier weights.

“Trouble sleeping or just not ready to yet?” Y/N asked as she began her descent.

“Both.” Bucky replied, turning his eyes to watch Y/N climb back down the rope. Between the way her body moved and the soft grunts and sounds of strain coming from her, Bucky realized he would have a _situation_ if he didn’t focus on his own workout.

“You know, you don’t talk much.” Y/N pointed out as she crossed the mats and took up residence at the squat rack to Bucky’s right.

“I don’t have a lot to say.” Bucky replied, trying not to pay attention when Y/N began doing weighted squats.

“Sure…you…do.” Y/N countered, speaking between reps. “You’re clearly…someone… who thinks…about a lot. So I’m sure…you have a lot to say.”

Bucky smiled and chanced a look over at Y/N. He immediately regretted his decision as he took in the fine sheen of sweat over her skin and the flush of her face as she dropped into another squat.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._ Bucky internally cursed himself as he felt the situation between his thighs growing. His traitorous mind peppered in some thoughts of what Y/N might look like sweaty, flushed, and heaving beneath him and Bucky nearly choked on his own spit. He didn’t understand why his mind refused to view Y/N in the same platonic way he viewed the rest of the team, but he did understand that, whatever the reason, she would be the death of him if he got any say in the matter.

\- -

Bucky fled the gym with his heart pounding and his lungs aching. It had been so long since he’d felt intense panic, but he knew the warning signs of an attack well. He hurried through the halls of the compound and snatched his favorite jacket from the closet before escaping out into the fading light of the grounds. He slipped the jacket over his arms and zipped it up in an effort to keep the frigid air out. As the jacket zipped closed, a small rush of air escaped it and brought a familiar scent wafting into Bucky’s nostrils. His jacket smelled like her and it made Bucky’s heart ache more. He collapsed by the reflecting pond with tears stinging his eyes and his lungs now screaming for air as another memory washed over him and he gasped for breath.

\- -

It had been almost a year since Bucky had first met Y/N and, so far, he’d managed to keep himself in check when they were alone. He’d gotten more comfortable around her, especially in the early hours of the morning when neither of them could sleep and they would either work out together or watch terrible B-Rated horror movies and laugh at the atrocious acting.

“Y/N,” Bucky warned. “Take it off. Now.”

“No way.” She shot back. “Finders keepers, Buckaroo.”

“You can’t keep my jacket.”

“Bet.” She grinned. “I can, _and I will_, keep your jacket. You have like eight other jackets.”

“That one is my favorite.” Bucky replied, taking a few steps towards Y/N.

“What a coincidence, it’s my favorite too!”

“Y/N, take it off or I swear I’ll do it for you.” He warned again, circling around the couch to try and trap her.

“I mean, you’d have to catch me first though.” She challenged before clambering over the couch and darting from the room.

Bucky grinned and chased after her, following her inebriated giggles through the halls of the complex. He heard a stairwell door burst open and then her footsteps and laughter descended the stairs.

It didn’t take long for Bucky to catch up to Y/N. She had just run into the kitchen when he came in from the other side and snatched her up. His arms wrapped around her waist and he lifted her off her feet before depositing her onto the counter and standing between her legs to prevent her from running off again.

“Got ya!” Bucky grinned, reaching for the zipper of his jacket. “Now give it back.”

“No fair.” Y/N pouted, playfully slapping Bucky’s hands away each time he reached for the zipper. “You cheated.”

“I did not, and you know it.” Bucky replied. “Now, either take off my jacket or I’ll do it for you.”

“But Buckyyyyyyy,” She whined. “I found it fair and square.”

“It was hanging up in the closet.” Bucky countered as he grabbed her hands and trapped them in her lap with his flesh hand. “Finders keepers doesn’t cover closets.” He reached up and slid the zipper down, his metal hand grazing over her chest as he unzipped the jacket.

Bucky super soldier hearing didn’t miss the small whimper that came from Y’N’s throat when he touched her or the sudden uptick in her heartbeat. When he looked back at her face, he had to swallow a whimper of his own as he realized that her bottom lip was caught between her teeth and her pupils were swallowing the color in her irises. He felt her shift against his hold on her hands and he let go of her hands, before bringing both of his to her shoulders and slowly sliding the jacket from them. The jacket crumpled onto the counter as Bucky’s fingers ghosted over Y/N’s bare arms. He swallowed thickly and moved to close the space between them. His eyes traveled between Y/N’s lips and her own e/c gaze and he licked his lips, preparing himself to finally feel her against his mouth after so many months of wanting.

“What are-?” Bucky suddenly turned his attention down to Y/N’s body as his fingers came into contact with a familiar combination of leather and metal. “Y/N, you’re wearing my tactical vest.”

“Finders keepers.” She grinned, suddenly breaking out into giggles. The sexual tension from just a moment before dissolved like wet fairy floss and Bucky sighed before taking a step away and allowing Y/N to get off the counter.

“Again,” He began. “Finders keepers _does not apply_ when you take things from my closet!”

“Well fiiiiine.” Y/N responded before quickly undoing the buckles and sliding the vest off, leaving her in just a bra. “Here.” She held the vest out for Bucky and dropped it into his hands before walking away from the stunned man. “See you in the morning, Mr. No-Fun.”

Bucky groaned, cursing his natural ability to ruin a good moment, and grabbed his stuff before disappearing out of the kitchen. As he reached his room, he resigned himself to another night of cold showers and his own hand.

\- -

Bucky didn’t know how long he’d been by the reflecting pond when Steve finally found him. He only knew that his flesh hand was the same temperature as the vibranuim one and he felt equally as cold inside.

“There you are.” Steve said with relief as he sat down next to his oldest friend. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

“I just want to be alone.” Bucky returned. “I can’t watch it, Steve. I’m not ready.”

“Okay.” Steve said simply. “I understand.” He pulled Bucky into a hug and held him while the other man began to finally cry.

\- -

It had been a bad night. Nothing specific had triggered it; it had just been a bad night. Bucky had gone to bed early, not feeling sociable, and had fallen into a deep, troubled, sleep. His mind was wrought with nightmares-flashes of his past actions- and he cried out in the darkness of his bedroom. He had no way of knowing that his screams could be heard clearly down the hall; nor that they would summon her to his side, concern etched in every feature.

Bucky had awoken the second her hands touched his shoulders in an attempt to wake him. He shout out of bed, throwing her off of him and into the wall in one smooth motion. Her body left a sizable hole in the drywall before crumpling to the floor. It was like he was in a trance, unable to stop himself from snatching her up by her throat and pinning her to the broken wall.

“B-Bucky.” Y/N choked out. “It’s…not real.”

Hearing his name fall from her lips brought Bucky fully into consciousness and horror filled every line of his face as he became violently aware of the blood running from Y/N’s scalp, down her neck, and her fingers firmly gripping his hand. Her expression was alarmingly neutral and Bucky quickly released her before falling to the floor next to her, his chest heaving as panic set in.

“Y/N, I’m so-” His voice trembled, unable to finish his thought before breaking into body-shaking sobs.

Y/N pulled Bucky into her arms and tucked his head into the unbloodied side of her neck before gently hushing him and holding him tightly.

“I know.” She whispered. “It wasn’t your fault.” She carded her fingers through his hair gently and kept whispering to him gently as he sobbed against her. Eventually she got him calmed down enough to put him back to bed before cleaning herself up in his bathroom and crawling in next to him without a word. She held him and whispered soft songs to him until he fell asleep again, clutching her sleeve like a child clutches its mother.

Bucky tried to apologize the next morning, but Y/N wasn’t have any of it. She wouldn’t let him feel guilty for his reaction because, according to her, it hadn’t been him. No matter how many times Bucky tried to make amends, Y/N gently brushed them off and carried on as though nothing had happened.

“You should be furious with me. You should never want to see me again. You should hate me.” Bucky told her.

“Oh?” Y/N asked. “Well, I’ve never really been a fan of ‘should’, if I’m honest.” She offered a small smile to Bucky, who just stared at her in wonder.

“I almost killed you.”

“Almost only counts in explosives.” She countered. “Besides, it would take a lot more than that to kill me.”

“Why aren’t you angry with me?!”

“Why do you want me to be angry with you?”

Bucky paused. He was angry with himself and he hadn’t stopped to ask himself why Y/N not being just as angry bothered him.

“I-I don’t.” He finally answered. “But I don’t understand why you’re not.”

“It was just a bad night, Bucky. You’re not a bad person.” She explained, giving him a hug.

\- - 

It took two weeks before Bucky finally left his room and even then, it was only because Tony had threatened to program FRIDAY to set off an alarm every hour on the hour until he got out of bed and at least showered. As a disheveled Bucky entered the common area, he was greeted by the smell of cinnamon coffee and he very nearly broke down right there.

“Hey, Bucky.” Sam greeted him with measured sympathy. He held out a cup of steaming coffee with a sad smile and asked, “Want some coffee? I found it in the back of the cabinet-”

“Behind the graham crackers. I know.” Bucky said, his voice on the edge of cracking. “It’s Y/N’s.” He sat down and accepted the coffee, but didn’t drink it. He stared into the dark liquid as tears came to his eyes again. “It’s her favorite. I had to go all the way to Tribeca for it.”

\- -

“JAMES BUCHANAN BARNES!” Y/N’s voice shouted from across the kitchen island. “You absolute _CLOWN_!”

“What?” Bucky asked, genuinely confused by the sudden explosion from Y/N so early in the morning. “What did I do?”

“You. Drank. My. COFFEE.” She hissed, emphasizing every word. “My special coffee. The coffee I literally cannot find anywhere anymore. The literal LAST of it too.”

“You mean this?” Bucky asked, holding up a mostly empty mug of what had been, admittedly, the best coffee he’d had in a long while. “I found it in the cabinet be-”

“Behind a box of graham crackers. I KNOW!” She interrupted. “I put it there specifically to keep you and Sam from finding it!”

“Y/N…it’s just coffee. Can’t you just get more?” Bucky asked, sipping from his mug.

That was evidently the wrong thing to ask because Y/N’s face suddenly took on a shade of red and she sucked in a breath of air as though she was preparing to scream. Bucky braced himself for the oncoming shouting, but was thrown off course when Y/N suddenly released the breath in a choked sob. Tears hovered on her bottom lashes and she slammed her mug into the sink, breaking the handle on accident.

“Great. First my coffee and now my fucking mug.” She swore, picking the pieces up out of the sink as angry tears ran down her face.

Her hand slipped against the sharp edge and cut her finger, causing Y/N to hiss from the pain and then make an annoyed noise before dumping the broken mug into the trash and bringing her now bleeding finger to her mouth. She looked at the broken mug in the trash and choked up again before turning on her heel before stomping out of the kitchen.

Bucky’s coffee was suddenly bitter on his tongue. He hadn’t meant to upset her so much. He hadn’t known how much the coffee meant to her and now here he was, swirling the last of it around in a mug.

Bucky looked down at the amber liquid and a pang of guilt hit him. He stood up and dumped the rest of the coffee into the sink before rinsing his mug out and setting it to the side. He looked over at the trash, with Y/N’s mug sitting on top, and gently picked the pieces out of the refuse.

“Friday?” He called out.

“Yes, Sargent Barnes?” The AI replied.

“I need your help.”

It had taken Bucky and Friday nearly a week to find a shop that had the right coffee and Y/N had been upset with him the entire time, though she refused to admit it. Bucky had lost count of how many samples of cinnamon coffee he’d tasted in his search, but he’d finally found it at a specialty shop all the way in fucking Tribeca. After being stuck in city traffic _twice_ and having to travel a considerable distance on his bike, Bucky had finally made it back to the compound. His ass was numb and his lower back was starting to ache from being in the same position on the bike for so long, but it was going to be worth it. He was positive.

Bucky knocked on Y/N’s door gently, nervous energy running through him as he waited for her to answer.

“Come in.” Came her voice from the other side of the door.

Bucky opened the door and stepped into the room. Y/N was sitting on her bed reading a well-worn copy or The Art of War. She looked up from her book as Bucky walked in and offered him a small smile, though it didn’t quite sit right on her face.

“Hey.” Bucky greeted her, suddenly unsure if his gift would make up for what had happened the week before.

“Hey, clown.” She replied lightly.

“Look I-” They both began in unison.

“Sorry, go ahead.” Y/N offered.

“No, it’s okay. You go first.”

Y/N took a breath and then sat up straighter before looking Bucky squarely in the face.

“I want to apologize for yelling at you last week. I shouldn’t have lost it like that. I had a rough night and I just…I’m sorry. It was just coffee. It wasn’t as big of a thing as I made it.”

“Yes it was.” Bucky responded, crossing the room and sitting down next to Y/N. “That’s why I got you this.” He pulled a box out from behind his back and passed it to her. “I shouldn’t have drank your coffee and I’m sorry I was such a dick about it. I hope this make up for it?”

Y/N took the box from Bucky with a confused half-smile that quickly turned into a wide grin as soon as she opened the box. There, sitting atop a bed of purple tissue paper, was a bag of the infamously hard to find coffee and next to the coffee sat her mug, which Bucky had tried his best to repair, but had somehow missed a small piece of it that he then had to replace with some clay. He’d tried his best to paint over the clay repair, but the color he’d chosen wasn’t as close of a match as he originally thought.

“Oh, Bucky…” Y/N cooed as happy tears sprang to her eyes and fell into the box.

“Please don’t cry. I tried to fix your mug, but I got the wrong color paint. I’m so sorry.”

“No, no, no.” Y/N reassured him with a smile. “I love it. It’s perfect.”

She set the box on her side table and threw her arms around Bucky’s neck to give him a tight hug.

\- -

Bucky fell from his memories back into the present as Sam poured more of the sweet cinnamon flavored coffee into the mug he’d given Bucky. The moment the flavor spread over his tongue, tears sprang to his eyes and clung to his lashes. The taste was suddenly too much. The smell was overpowering. All of it was too familiar and too reminiscent of _her_. Abandoning the mug of coffee, he fled the kitchen with Sam’s apologies following him out into the hall.

The air was suddenly heavy in his lungs and his mind was restless. As if on autopilot, his feet took him down the hall and up three flights of stairs. They carried him a familiar route; one he’d taken many times before when he was in distress. The only difference between those times and this one was that when Bucky reached his destination, there was no relief to be found. No one was waiting for him with open arms and an open heart. Her room was empty and felt foreign now.

Bucky was suddenly filled with rage.

“You weren’t supposed to be in there!” He shouted angrily as his hands grabbed at the nearest objects and flung them across the room.

“I was supposed to go alone!” More of her room shattered as his eyes burned with tears.

“How could you do this to me, Y/N?!?!” Bucky screamed, upending the bed and spreading the rage-fueled chaos further.

“I loved you!” His hand grasped something small from her bedside table and threw it at the wall hard. As it sailed through the air towards its demise, Bucky realized what he’d thrown. He watched as her mug shattered against the mirror and sent broken glass and ceramic all over the floor. The rage left Bucky’s body as quickly as it had arrived and he crumbled to the floor as the grief settled deep into his bones. He didn’t remember making the noise that drew his friend’s attention. That horrible noise of grief that fell somewhere between a sob and a scream. The noise that he’d been the cause of when he was The Winter Soldier, but had never made himself, and never really understood, until now. All Bucky could focus on was the chunk of porcelain in his hands. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the spot of mismatched paint. Even as Natasha fell by his side and pulled him to her tightly, he couldn’t stop staring at the paint. Couldn’t stop running his thumb over what was left of the repair. He vaguely heard Nat shout for Steve, but his brain refused to process anything anymore as he broke down entirely.

“I love her.” He sobbed into Nat’s shoulder as she rubbed his back and held him. “I love her so fucking much and I haven’t fucking told her.”  
  
\- -

Bucky’s palm was sweaty and his stomach was tied in knots. He tugged at the collar of his white dress shirt and silently cursed himself for not triple checking the size. It felt like it was strangling him and the weight of the tuxedo jacket didn’t help. Tonight was the biggest gala before Christmas and New Year’s, and Bucky actually had a _date_. Well, it wasn’t officially a date, but he’d convinced Y/N to go _as_ his date to the gala; eventually selling her on the idea by pointing out that they were great friends and wouldn’t have to engage in awkward small talk or expectations with strangers _and_ they could totally cut out early without having to apologize r explain it to anyone. She had pretended to think it over for an _agonizing_ three days before finally agreeing and now the night had come.

Bucky stood outside the door of Y/N’s room and took a deep cleansing breath before fitting his most charming smile to his face and knocking. His jaw dropped when the door opened and Y/N answered wearing a face of makeup, one of his shirts, and nothing else as far as he could tell. A toothbrush hung from her mouth and her eyes widened behind her glasses when she saw him.

“Oh shit.” She murmured past the plastic in her mouth. “Is it time already?”

“Yeah.” Bucky responded as his smile faltered. “We have to leave in thirty minutes.”

“Well, fuck me.” Y/N cursed, removing the toothbrush beforehand. She turned away from the door and disappeared into her bathroom for a moment. “I don’t know what to wear!”

_In a heartbeat._ Bucky thought as he watched her scramble from the bathroom to her closet and begin looking for something to wear. She reached up to the top rack and his shirt rode higher up on her thighs, revealing the tiniest peek of black lace before the shirt fell back and Y/N moved to her bed with a box carefully balanced in her hands. Bucky thought he had been hot under the collar before, but it was nothing compared to how he felt when Y/N suddenly pulled his stolen shirt over her head and cast it onto the bed, leaving her standing in a matching set of lacy undergarments. The air in the room was suddenly thicker and hotter than Bucky recalled it being before. His collar once again felt too tight and now he was considering that he might have the wrong tux all together because his pants were certainly getting tighter by the second.

“Buck?” Y/N’s voice interrupted his thoughts. He blinked and looked down to see the mostly bare expanse of her back as she buckled the collar that served as a neckline in place. “Can you unclip me?” She asked, pointing to the black strap across her back that Bucky realized was her bra. “I don’t want my bra showing.”

Bucky’s fingers slid gently under the strap and he fumbled with the clasp for a moment before finally getting it unhooked. The entire time, he had to fight to control himself and not immediately attack the exposed flesh with his teeth like he wanted to. As the clasp sprang open, Bucky let his fingers fall, gently running them down Y/N’s back until he got to the low zipper of her backless dress and pulled it closed, hiding the small of her back from his view. The shiver that shook her spine and the goosebumps that appeared in the wake of his trailing fingers did not go unnoticed by him and he wondered if it was just a typical reaction or if Y/N could feel the way he wanted her and maybe shared some of the same feelings.

“T-There.” He declared with a strained voice. “All done.” He watched as Y/N moved away from and slid her arms out of the straps of the bra before fishing it out from under her dress and throwing it into her hamper. She turned around and her bottom lip disappeared between her teeth as she looked up at Bucky.

“How do I look?” She asked, removing her glasses and tossing them onto the bed as well.

“Nervous.” Bucky replied honestly before closing the gap between them. “But honestly, beautiful.” He really couldn’t help himself anymore. Not with how beautiful she looked right then. Not with how intense his feelings were for her. Not with how much he loved her. Bucky’s hand came up to Y/N’s face and he cupped her cheek gently before leaning in and closing his eyes. Moments before their lips met, Y/N’s door was suddenly shaking with the sounds of knocking followed by Thor’s voice urging them to hurry up and get down to the limo so they could be there early. Bucky mumbled an apology and moved away from Y/N and her questioning look.

“We should…we should go.” He said, not making eye contact with her and rushing back out of the room.

They got into the limo with the rest of the team and went off to the gala, where Bucky actually managed to have a good time, despite his awkwardness earlier in the night. He and Y/N fell into their easy routine of playing nice with the big shots and cracking jokes whenever the night started to get too heavy.

He didn’t miss the way she leaned on him a little more than usual or the looks she kept shooting his way during group conversations. Bucky could see the question lingering behind her eyes and he did his best to avoid it until finally, Y/N caught his elbow and pulled him down to whisper in his ear.

“I’m so over this. Wanna get out of here?” She jerked her thumb towards the door and added, “We can go back to my room and get comfortable. I recorded Shark Week so we could binge it together. Unless you’d rather do…something else?”

And there she was again, looking at him with those big beautiful eyes and Bucky felt his clothes become restricting again. She couldn’t possibly mean what he was thinking. He cleared his throat and tucked his face into her neck so he could whisper back in her ear.

“We should totally watch Shark Week. Let’s go.”

Within an hour, they were back at the Complex, in comfortable clothes, and binging Shark Week while the cuddled up to one another on Y/N’s bed. The cuddling wasn’t new, they’d been doing that for months now. Ever since the whole Coffee Incident, actually. Halfway through the third episode, Bucky looked over to where Y/N had curled into him and realized that she’d fallen asleep. He smiled softly and made to move, but her fingers twisted into his shirt and she mumbled a quiet protest before slinging her leg over his and trapping him. He smiled to himself and shut off the TV before shifting to hold her closer. He didn’t remember falling asleep that night, but it had been the best sleep he’d had in a long time.  
  
\- -

It wasn’t until months later, when the snow began to collect on her headstone, that Bucky was finally able to sit down and watch her say goodbye.

He pulled up the video file as he sat at the kitchen island, holding a mug of cinnamon coffee and wrapped in the blanket that she’d given him last Christmas. He took a steadying breath before pushing the play button.

“If you’re seeing this then that means…well, that means I didn’t make it. I’m dead.” Y/N spoke to the camera as she held herself tightly and tried not to cry. Tried to be strong, even in the end. “And I’m…fuck.” The tears fell and she hurriedly wiped the away with the back of her hand. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

Bucky had seen this part before; had heard the words echo in his dreams for nearly a year. He braced himself for what was to come, hoping he could weather the inevitable storm.

“Bucky, I should have listened to you.” Y/N continued. “You told me it wasn’t safe and you were right. I’m so sorry I didn’t listen.”

She sank to the floor and pulled her feet towards herself before looking back into the camera.

“I don’t think I’m going to make it out of here, so I need to get something off my chest before it’s too late.”

More tears darkened the cracked cement beneath her as she looked away for a moment. When she turned back, a strained smile graced her lips.

“Remember the Fall Gala last year? The one we went to together?” A quiet short laugh escaped her before she continued. “You almost kissed me before we left. I’ll never forget how fast my heart was going. I should’ve –I wanted to kiss you, too. I still do.”

A choked sob shook her bloodied body and nearly broke Bucky as he watched the screen in surprise. She’d wanted to kiss him. She still wanted to, even when saying goodbye.

“I think I’ve been in love with you for a long time now, Bucky.”

The words shocked Bucky to his core. His mouth fell open and he felt the unmistakable prickle of tears start in his nose.

“I didn’t realize it until recently and I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you.” She choked on another short, miserable, chuckle and added, “Of course, this is the worst way. But I can’t go without saying it.”

Bucky watched as Y/N wiped away the tears and took several deep breaths. He recognized the steps of her keeping a panic attack at bay and his heart broke a little more just knowing that her final moments were spent this way. She turned to face the camera full on and smiled that soft smile she had reserved for Bucky only.

“James Buchanan Barnes. Buckaroo. You absolutely perfect, wonderful, ridiculous _clown_.” Her grin widened a touch and then, “I love you. I love you so, so much. I –”

There was a flash of golden light off to the side of the frame and Y/N’s face turned towards it with something like hope before the sounds of the structure finally collapsing the dust and debris of the same event filled the frame and the video feed went out.

Steve woke up to Bucky’s screams coming from the kitchen and found his lifelong friend collapsed on the floor in distress. Coffee and shattered porcelain lay at his feet and the still frame of Y/N’s last smile was frozen on the tablet on the island. Steve knew immediately that Bucky had finally watched the video; had finally listened to the girl he’d loved beyond all comprehension declare her love for him and then die.

Steve knelt by Bucky and wrapped his friend in the tightest hug he could manage, tucking the other man’s head into his shoulder and allowing him to shed the tears he’d refused for so long.

“That light…” Bucky croaked out after he had finally shed all the tears he had. “Before the building fell…”

“We saw it.” Steve confirmed. “Tony says it’s some kind of digital artifact.”

“It was Strange, Steve.”


End file.
